Roger Mursick

Satire by columnist pokes fun at spankings, bare bottom spankings, otk, good old fashion torture.

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Ouch! or bang, zoom to the moon

By Roger Mursick
The Sentinel

I've decided that this year I'm not going to bore myself any longer. I'm going to talk about things that I care about and not worry about what might offend a few sensitive souls.

So here I go.

A spanking always caught my attention when I was a kid.

All my buddies got spankings too. And you know what? None of us grew up to be killers or have low self-esteem. And we all became "productive" citizens in our communities. I think parents need to hand out a few more spankings.

Truth be told, I didn't get a lot of spankings, maybe a dozen in any six-month period. (I'm kidding; it was closer to a dozen and a half.) That was all it took to keep me and my friends focused and out of any serious trouble. Some people would have you believe that spanking leads to low self-esteem. No, telling your kid that he/she is an idiot leads to poor self-esteem. Letting your under age daughter have sex with her boyfriend in your home leads to low self-esteem. Smoking pot with your kids creates low self-esteem. Watching Judge Judy hour after hour with your kids leads to low self-esteem.

Excuse me while I drive my 15-year-old crack-ho daughter to rehab.

Just kidding. She's 16.

Now when I was a kid if I sassed an elder (I only did it one time) "Wham-O" right in the puss, no discussion. I got a fat lip for sticking it out there but I also received a wake up call. I didn't need to ask why I got smacked. I knew why. I was being a smart-ass.

Once I received two spankings back to back. I had been using the family kitty for target practice with my new spring-loaded dart gun. My parents asked me if I saw the kitty poke himself in the ear with the dart and if not, did I know how it got there?

I was six. I lied and told them that I didn't do it and I thought the kitty fell on the dart. (These were rubber suction darts, not pointed darts.) After the punishment was administered I shouted " I didn't feel a thing!" which I didn't, thanks to my padded snow suit that I happened to be wearing at the time. Of course this led to a second whipping sans snow suit. It was the second spanking that enlightened me as to the cause and effect of shooting unarmed kitties.

To this day I never shoot an animal that doesn't have a weapon to defend itself and if I do I make sure my parents are not close by.

Most of today's parents don't seem to agree with corporal punishment.

In talking to kids and parents they both tell me things like "Time out" and no Gameboy or Playstation is a typical punishment. Some kids said they couldn't go out to play after school or go to the mall etc. With a lot of the girls it was no phone time. Forget about sending your brat to their room, it has more things to entertain them than Dave and Busters.

More than a few "parents" were aghast at the thought of corporal punishment "We would never spank our Alyson. Why would we want to inflict physical harm on our child? Can't we simply increase her meds?

Medicating sounds nice. It sounds soothing. And it allows you to avoid having to be responsible for your child's behavior or having to act like a parent.

When you tell your babies you're going to punish them with a spanking, suddenly you have their attention. Abuse isn't acceptable, but a little hands-on therapy is good for the soul and backside.

Let's not stop with children, I can think of a few adults that could use a good swift kick in the pants.

For example when we catch Osama Bin Laden we should march him down to the basement of the Pentagon and give him a good old fashion spanking complete with a stern lecture about getting along with others and of course, we will definitely finish with a very strong increase in his meds along with some good old fashioned water torture.

Nothing wrong with water torture. I know because my upstairs neighbor flooded my apartment three times.

Maybe we should have a cabinet level position to inflict corporal punishment. "Offense Secretary." Think about all of the candidates that would line up for that gig.

We could have similar positions on the state level and the county level too, and then we would be able to find out just who thought over-developing Rockville pike was a good idea. Suddenly we'd have the politicians acting a bit more cautious with our tax money.

Meanwhile Saddam Hussein could use a good old-fashioned spanking. But we should do it with a shoe, which is a great insult in his culture.

Maybe they could use a hairbrush...I'm kidding. I'm not Saddam Hussein.

Howzabouta razor strap?...I'm kidding for Pete's sake.

Maybe the dog's leash? All right, already I'm kidding. Lighten up. Jeezeepeezee!

The Sentinel

Roger Mursick is a nationally known comedian who owns a wooden paddle with holes in it.


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The Spank With Love site promotes the sane and rational use of spanking as discipline and offers considered instruction and advice accordingly.

Can discipline effect catharsis and cleansing?
Here is a quote from one of Michael & Debi Pearl's article In Defense of Biblical Chastisement

In a section titled The rod purges the soul of guilt,

Properly applied, with instruction, [corporal discipline] will absolve the child of guilt, cleanse his soul, and give him a fresh start through a confidence that all indebtedness is paid. The rod meets a psychological need in the child's soul. "The blueness of a wound cleanseth away evil: so do stripes the inward parts of the belly (Prov. 20:30)."

"Inward parts of the belly" is a description of the physical sensations associated with guilt. Stripes on the back are said to be to the soul what the healing blood flow is to a wound.

The parent, as God's "surrogate," purifies a child’s guilt through spanking. Pearl teaches this point in detail under the heading, "The rod purges the soul of guilt," in her "Defense of Biblical Chastisement, Part 1." Pearl states, "The properly administered rod is restorative as nothing else can be. It is indispensable to the removal of guilt in your child. His very conscience (nature) demands punishment, and the rod supplies the needs of his soul, releasing him from his guilt and self-condemnation."

Should Parents Have High Expectations for their Children?

There are kissing mothers and there are scolding mothers, but it
is love just the same, and most mothers kiss and scold together.

(Pearl Buck)

Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother:

Chinese parenting is one of the most difficult things I can think of. You have to be hated sometimes by someone you love and who hopefully loves you, and there's just no letting up, no point at which it suddenly becomes easy. Just the opposite, Chinese parenting -- at least if you're trying to do it in America, where all the odds are against you -- is a never-ending uphill battle, requiring a 24-7 time commitment, resilience, and guile. [Amy Chua]

The secret of joy in work is contained in one word -- excellence. To know how to do something well is to enjoy it.

(Pearl Buck)

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