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Letting Their Light Shine

Women of Valor

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Spiritual Wifery - It can't be adultery.

These liberated women put God first in their lives and marriages. They are was married in the highest sense not to their 'husbands' but to God, so their outreach to the needy youth becomes in an intimate sense a "spiritual wifery" in the sense of their giving of themselves to uplift them, and make them feel needed and wanted, to make them see their value and worth as men. Their desire is to make those broken down youth feel pride in themselves, let them know how desirable they are as real men.

Exploring Adventure Spiritual Wifery

God calls them to be a light into the Darkness. The metaphor is apt. All around us the modern world is beset with scars and wounds of darkness, oppression, discrimination, and even economic sins. Many seek relief in pure indulgence, hedonism, lust. The privileged middle class, with its pampered materialism, the blessings of education and influence, seems badly afflicted with lusts and perversions -- perhaps even more than the lower classes, who are more out in the open.

I Peter 3:3 reminds us of the wisdom of modesty in women's apparel. Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel. But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price. After all, Sarah, in Genesis, who was of higher status socially than her relative (and husband) Abraham, literally deferred to him. We are told.

Perhaps Abraham was such a servant of God, and possessed of such meekness and respectfulness, that he "deserved" a wife who deferred to him. Certainly there are men who do not deserve that kind of wife. Abigail was married to a man named Nabal, which means FOOL. Another passage (KJV English) declares that a "fool" is deserving of stripes, yes a flogging. The context indicates a grown man (who obviously has not really grown up inwardly).

What does a Christian wife do in such circumstances. Suppose her husband, whom God calls to headship, actually abdicates headship, or even neglects his wife in favor of escapism, self-indulgence, or "numbing" his God-capacity through such perversions as excessive sports-worship, "marrying his work" -- or pornographic attitudes and indulgences. Is he not, in a sense, a Nabal (fool)? The Bible tells us that sexual relations are honorable in marriage, and in fact, must be a two-way street. "Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence." More than that, a husband who defrauds his wife in this department (puts her away) is the guilty one if she "commits adultery." [Matthew 5:32]

But what is adultery for heaven's sake? Men have been throwing the SLUT charge at women for anything and everything from the time of Eve onward. Husbands are paranoid and half of the paranoia is sheer guilt. They project onto woman the issues that afflict themselves. There simply is no way that an adultery accusation has justification when God has put it in woman's dna to let her light shine, to be beautiful, to spread joy, to rescue the perishing. Abigail in the Bible story of David had every right to let her light shine -- and so doing became a peace-maker. Rahab of Jericho might be called a harlot but she was a blessed harlot who saved lives, and aided the people Israel. That's the kind of "slut" to be, praise God.

Woman, I believe, has a duty before God to seek to help. No one would say it's a blank check to go and sin. But God obviously wants us to get the picture. Imagine men, how would you like it if your wife sought out a rival who exhibited more manly authority and headship? A husband who wimps out in these responsibilities to his wife, is in effect "sending her" into the arms of an alpha male, who makes her feel like a woman.

Christians today have much we can learn from the old feminists of a generation ago. I found a passage where Betty Friedan discussed the rising tide of infidelity in marriages that outwardly looked "normal." The men were often otherwise successful, but they certainly were not being godly "alpha males" to their wives. They were being Nabals, and wimping out at home, Friedan writes, "dismayed by the inadequacies of her marriage, confused and unhappy, angry and often humiliated by her husband's behavior, she is psychologically primed" for the blandishments of the attentive alpha male, a substitute for her absentee spouse. [Feminine Mystique, 265]

I really believe that the issue of women's apparel is a secondary issue, not the real crux. Rather, it is one of those things necessary in our imperfect world. Mankind needs these "helps" because we are not sufficiently spiritually mature as of today. We are still due for more "inner work" or therapy. Moses allowed divorce because of the hardness of their hearts. It was never the ultimate ideal. Divorce is a stop gap, for a world not yet come of age. We have to grow up first.

My theory is a bit akin to a famous line from a Jack Nicholson movie (A Few Good Men): "You can't handle the truth." The focus of women's clothing has consistently revolved around the woman. Is she too slutty, Is she too revealing? Is she an adulterer in her heart? What if the problem is mankind's maturity - can we (both men and women) bear the presence of strong women, confident women, assertive (and beautiful) women?

David J. Ley's Insatiable Wives: Women Who Stray and the Men Who Love Them
(Review by Elin Weiss)

David J. Ley's Insatiable Wives: Women Who Stray and the Men Who Love Them is a book concerned with the history and prevalence of "cuckoldry" and nonmonogamous relationships and marriages. "Cuckoldry" can be described as a lifestyle in which the woman in a relationship sexually interacts with other men, at the approval and satisfaction of her partner or husband.

In Insatiable Wives Ley describes the lifestyles of several couples that he interviewed in order to better understand "cuckoldry". The interviews are mixed with the history of "cuckoldry", the history of female sexuality, evolutionary theories of sexuality and discussions concerning mental health. Ley discusses how lifestyles such as "cuckoldry" and swinging are becoming more and more noticeable and common, much thanks to the availability of both material and possible sexual partners on the internet.

As Ley describes both past and present couples and how they favor the "cuckoldry" lifestyle, he also discusses the ups and downs of this lifestyle and the choice of a nonmonogamous sexual relationship. It must be noted that in comparison to swinging, many couples involved in "cuckoldry" have a more emotional bond to the third party person. While the woman is the one who usually is involved in the sexual interaction, her partner sometimes participates either through watching his partner and the other man, listening to her telling stories about her sexual encounters, taking photographs or videotaping or by also interacting sexually.

Ley spends some time talking about the many positive sides of the lifestyle such as almost extreme trust and deep communication, sexual pleasure for both the man and the woman, as well as general feelings of happiness and emotional connection. On the downside, not all couples can manage a lifestyle in which jealousy and the sharing of one's partner can become a problem. Ley also discusses how such a lifestyle is likely to lead to the couple being ostracized by their community or by people who do not approve of their sexual choices, if they make this information public or available. Ley also mentions that it is common for people to assume mental health problems in couples or individuals who support "cuckoldry" or "wife sharing".

What is positive about this book is that Ley writes in a humorous and interesting manner without placing judgment on the couples he interviews. He never appears to judge or disapprove of their lifestyles and presents his view on the topic without forcing his opinion on the reader or lecturing about sexual intimacy and what is should be or should not be.

On the downside is the prevalent use of evolutionary theories in order to explain and empirically support this type of sexual behavior. With a focus on female sexuality it is odd that Ley so greatly makes use of evolutionary theories that discuss female sexuality and sexual behavior as a consequence of, or as the result of, male sexuality or certain male sexual behaviors. For example writing that: "Wife sharing and the cuckold lifestyle may serve an adaptive function for the couple by increasing and maintaining the husband's virility and sexual interest in his wife, along with the level of attention he pays to his wife" (p. 256) suggests that women's sexual behaviors are driven by men's sexual behaviors.

Secondly, evolutionary theories often fail to include social factors, which this book is not as concerned with. It at times becomes quite biologically driven and explanatory without providing both sides of the story (social constructionism together with evolutionary theory) or succeeding to convince. While reading the book it becomes quite clear that Ley overestimates the male partner's altruistic sexual behaviors while focusing almost solely on "cuckoldry" as feminine sexual empowerment and as the celebration of female sexual infidelity. In fact, the book states that the male partner usually introduces the idea or the topic and that the men derive intense sexual pleasure from both the idea and the act of sharing their partner. Thereby, the altruism that Ley discusses can be questioned. Also, many of the men confessed to introducing the idea in order to innocently gain access to bisexual or homosexual feelings and experiences while some men viewed their partner's sexuality as their property in that they dominate and control their partner and decide who she is going to be sexually involved with, or who they are going to "lend" her to. Lastly, many of the men acknowledged pleasure stemming from the knowledge that their partner was off pleasuring other men but eventually came home to him. Thereby, many husbands and boyfriends also felt powerful of other men and felt like the "alpha" since "wife sharing" gave them a mental ego boost. Some of the men that Ley interviewed stated that they were also interested in sexual interactions outside the marriage or relationship but that it was too much "work" to find women who would agree to the lifestyle. All the above comments make me question the husbands/partners behavior as completely and truly altruistic.

Insatiable Wives might not be appropriate for all readers since it contains quite graphic sexual descriptions, together with some complicated language. It is although very informative and is suitable for individuals interested in the topic of sexuality and the history of sexuality.